BEEN A ROUGH COUPLE WEEKS

We lost one of our guys at the new house,,, have had a girl that I have known for a while USE our "friendship" to the max for HER benifit. She is the one who kinda hooked me up with my job. BUT took the credit for me getting it and having it now. ALTHOUGH My boss set my stupid brain straight. I have and keep this job because of MY work not cause of some ass hat giving a number. He told me I shoudl be very proud of what I have learned over this year plus, he is. I have had to fight a big fight to get the care needed for oen of hte ladies at the new hosue too. No I am not s[ell checking sorry. ANYWAY she had been over medicated bad,, I have been fighting to get it changed and FINELY WON FOR HER,, it feels so good to be able to help her out. To be able to see her UNdrugged and enjoying life. She made me cry with both pride in myslef and love for her. I am still waitig for my raise... WAITING IS NOT EASY FOR ME,,,, THE BOY has popped back into my life BUT I am standing on the good side of the line,, FRIENDS ONLY and keeping him straight on that. as long as he is in the place he is I am not there.... Who knows what could happen MAYBE NOTHING WHEN HE SAYS HE WILL BE ON HIS OWN,,, but he can not do it for ME... I am past that shit! All my kids came by mothers day it was nice. Mike is an ass but we all knew that,,, anyway I took what tiny bit of ashes of my mom's up to my dad's and buried them on his grave,,, I also got my tattoo to help with my clousure. Wish I could either go home or sheia could get out here to visit,, I need a break bad,,, K guess that it is for now,,, nite

SO HERE AGAIN HUH......

WELL WHAT'S NEW? not much,, over worked,, under paid and still hangin in there. YEP this just might be a cry baby boo hoo post... BE WARRNED,,,, I am still struggeling with finding the right fit cargivers... not much pay but why ya here? for money or cause you truly love a job like this. I/we have decided to pull one of my caregivers off the floor and give her some of my tasks.. BUT I can't get her off the floor for very long without some kind of OMG YA NEED TO JUMP BACK IN CAREGIVING... i REALLY NEED A VACATION,,, I need to get away for a bit to let my brain just stop. I am right now at the new house sitting waiting for one of our residents to pass,, sounds cold I know,,, but it IS a part of life. Not much going on really,,, living day by day trying to figure out how to live life,, ok boring maybe you should go back a few years when I was funny,,, see ya

HELP

HELP ME PRIORITIZE,,,,,, SCHEDULING MARS ADMITS CHARTING MEDISETS FIRE DRILLS TOURS EMPLOYEE RECORDS RESIDENT FILES SERVICE PLANS PICK UP MEDS CALL DOCTORS SET UP MED DELIVERIES KITCHEN FASUET CLEAN OUT GARAGE FOOD SHOPPING MARKET SET UP AND SEARCH IN HOME DOCS CLEAN DESCUSTING HOUSE-FAWN CALL FAMILIES FOR RESIDENT CONTRACTS FIND A ½ CAREGIVER FILL IN CAREGIVING KEEP TRYING TO GET STELLA AND JAMES TO STEP UP DEAL WITH HALF ASSED CAREGIVERS EAT SLEEP LAUNDRY CLEAN MY DESCUSTING HOUSE LISTEN TO CAREGIVERS AND RESIDENTS AND FAMILY MEMBERS RESPONCES WHEN I ASK, “HOW YA DOIN” PAYROLL CAREGIVER DRAMA THERE IS SOOOO MUCH MORE I CAN'T EVEN THINK OF

SO HERE AGAIN

WELL,,, I was gunna go this last weekend to take my mom's ashes up to my dads grave. BUT money got in the way. SO when I get the chance that is my plan. Did I mention that my best friends mom died. weird how our lives happen so the same,, our dads died at the same time.. stopped smoking.. started again the same time within weeks,, hair and glasses the same after seeing eachother after years apart and now our moms,,, She alowed me to ride her train ride of closure for her mom... it did wierdly help a bit.. no I will not spell check this joan love ya,,, my gentalmen friend is on his way back to the UP tomorrow... yeah again he is more into me then me into him. He was going to drive down here from colo. to help with a few things at my houses but chickened out and went back home good thing I think. I wil do just fine alone.... who knows who could come walking around that next corner years from now huh,,,, at this point I am diving into work.. sad but true but it seems to be working for me for now. I think of mom often and get pissed then pissed at myslef for not storming into her house and calling her stupid bluff,,,, but ti is what it is... OH I did call my EX I was being polite and asked him if he wanted to go up to my dads with me and moms ashes.. his responce was a bit of a toss back into fuck you,, he said,,, UM NO I HAVE DONE MY CLOSURE WITH YOUR MOM DYING... I TALKED TO HER ALL THE TIME AND EVEN WENT TO SEE HER WHEN I WAS HOME IN OCTOBER BEFORE SHE DIED,, SO I AM OK I HAVE CLOSURE,,,, WELL WTF???? WHAT ABOUT ME YOU EMOTIONLESS ASS HAT,, then I remembered yep he has not changed and has always been that way,, did I ever really expect him to give a shit about anyone but himself? Then I realized at the time of the divorce he clearley knew what he was doing and I was dumb as shit... just sign here... we can do it this way without a judge and all the hastle... yeah cause I know now that he would have had to pay me alamony like 440 bucks a week AND give me back ontop of the half house month the 55 thousand I put on it when my dad died from the money he left me.. I am a stupid ass and know that now... NEVER AGAIN,,, I THINK THAT IS WHAT GOT ME OVER THE WHOLE ALONE BULLSHIT,,, stupid men it will take a very special person to break this wall I got now for sure.... I like my wall thank you and think I wil keep it a very long time. ok enough cause this lap top is pissing me off the stupid curser slides all over the fricken place when I am typing and I have to find it and delete the stupid sentence I tried to write down here way up there,,,, keep healthy,, oh yeah I also have to re file my taxes for the last 3 eyars... I did them wrong,, I filed single NOT HEAD OF HOUSEHOLD STUPID ASS ME,, OK SEE TYA

WELL,,, NOBODY STOPPS BY MUCH ANYMORE SO I AM GUNNA POUR MY HEART OUT

SSSSSSSO,,, Here I sit,, with the job I have drempt about for a while,, so WHATS WRONG WITH ME????? I have so much,,, I have come to a point where I get to call most the shots in a job I love,,, I have lazy slow start mornings for the most part. I get to be amoung people I enjoy spending my day with for the most part. yeah it is still a hard job,, dealing wiht 16 caregivers needs and wants and trying to please them all,,, BUT that is all on the top of the soil. My days sometimes finish before traffic,, BUT I am still not really HAPPY WHY? I think way too much... I think hhhhmmm here I am truly blessed. I have busted my ass to get here and WHY,,,WHO do I get to share it with? NOONE,, yes I have my kids,, they could care less what this girl has become,, they see me a mom,, not as that damn beat to shit kid who was told all her life she would never be anything but a piece of shit. I have pride in what I have become,,, yet it stays locked up inside me. I can't share my fears,, joys,, daily dealings with anyone who might give a rats ass. no feedback,, no I THINKs,, no hey that was pretty good. I mean even as a friend to share with. I have one person I call my true friend I dont' have to explane anything to and she is 2000 miles away. weird thing about becmoing an orphan,,,, I ALSO am an ONLY,, no sibling to share a part of exactly who I am,, a product of MY mom and dad,,, weird I KNOW BUT only if you are an only could you feel the VOID I FEEL. clousure with my mom,, STILL OPEN ENDED,,, I have a tablespoon of ashes in my jewlery box.I only see 1 way to have some kind of clousure with them,, take them to my dads grave adn bury them,, who to ask to go with me,,,,,??? my girls? they really don't care,,,, my ex?? does he even really care OR do I care to spend any kind of time with him???? My best friends mom passed last week,,, she got to have the NATURAL end of her mothers life and death thing I am glad and sad,,, her mom was a great woman. my NORMAL mom I use to call her. I didn't get that,, nut jealous about it just a reality reminder for me.. I need a life outside of my job life,, how? I started talking to a guy online,, YES I DID,, he is from Michigan the UP. he started talking to me first,, for about3 months we have talked,, nothing grand,, nothing nasty or pushy. he has friends who live here and last weekend he flew in to visit them. I went out to their house and bbqed. He is not any kind of looker a very plane jane type,, can be funny,, caring,,, just very cmfortable.. so I go and NOTHING I FEEL NOTHING,, am I supose to???? and why should I?? I do NOT feel cmfortable to share my heavy weird void heart with him,, or really anyone so I keep it closed. he went home and we ,,,,,,, talk,, how was your day,,,, it's cold,, guess it keeps my fingers busy texting.. do I even really WANT a person to b e able to trust? to share?? I for a second have thought,, my ex,,,, he knows more about me then anyone,, do I even want to share with HIM cause really he don't give a shit,,,,, Isi is an ass,, I have closed my heart to him long ago,,, talking then havig to explane pisses me off adn it just not worth it,, along with I AM NO LONGER THERE,,, nope can maybe be friends,, that is is,, he can't so ok SEE YA. PEOPLE AM I CRAZY???? WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?? WHAT DO I NEED TO DO? TIME ALONE,, SITTING NEXT TO MY DADS STONE,,, YEAH,, I THINK I NEED THAT,,, sift flush recharge figure my brain,, wants,, needs, it is just so friggen hard being ALL ALONE WITH NOONE TO GIVE A SHIT,,,,, not because of a need or a obligation but REALLY GIVE A SHIT.....

WELL WE ARE IN,,, READY TO SEE THIS,,,,,