TODAY IS THE DAY,,,,,,A YEAR AGO

THAT MY LIFE WAS TURNED UPSIDE DOWN ,,,, It should not have been such a shock,,,, I should have know something was up,,, thinking back now I KNOW that it was just a matter of time.. We had for what seems like NOW, all those 32 years to put "THINGS" into our lives to make it "RIGHT",,, to make it work. NOTHING REALLY WORKED..WHY? I no longer ask that question I only say IT IS WHAT IT IS,, IT WAS WHAT IT WAS.... we seemed to struggle all the years trying to GET/HAVE THAT "THING" I now see it was never really there. it JUST WAS NOT. so on this day 1 year ago, I heard these words,,,, "I have come out of denial,,, it has never been an option for us BUT I think if we got a divorce then we could be happy." I remember replying,,,"I am not sure about happy BUT I am tired of being miserable." The striving to GET THAT THING was wearing us both out I think.. I can NOT speak for him only for me... NOW looking back I NEVER REALLY FELT that OH MY GOD I AM IN LOVE did I even know what love was? I was young,WE were young. with alot of baggage. I wanted that fairytale life of LOVE,, that all girls dream of,,, I did not know where it came from,, or how to really get it.. so I KEPT trying to be that BETTER PERSON and never could, kept trying to PUT things into it yet never could get THAT of what I felt I wanted/needed. I remember watching movies thinking THERE HAS TO BE SOMEKIND OF REAL IN THEM,,,, THAT IS WHAT I WANT,,,, the desire,,the love,,the passion,,the want,,that over the top feeling of LOVE,,, It seems for me that we only lived as "friends" trying to MAKE it work,, trying to make it LOOK LIKE IT WAS RIGHT,,, we had the same goal of loving our girls our love for them was NEVER TRYING OR FAKE OR WORK! THEY are what kept us together I believe,,,, We would do alot of hit and miss on closeness,, at times we would seem as one then many miles apart. I believe that we because GOOD FRIENDS,,,, that is not enough to keep two people together,,, I believe we BOTH saw in our hearts something that just was not there.. To get that we could NOT find IT what ever that might have been, being together. I believe we both NEEDED each other to a point where we were afraid to go off on our own,, BOTH insecure with ourselves... AND AFRAID OF WHAT THE WORLD AROUND US WOULD THINK. We both I feel stuck it out and TRYED for as long as we could without it totally vanishing us as beings. I knew many times I wanted differently... but was too afraid to say so.. I believe he also felt the same... SO FOR WHAT EVER REASON He stepped up and said ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.... I still have NOT sat and asked him why,,,how,,,or what made him say those words. SOMEDAY maybe I will. Not today. I am here today to only give my side. I felt SCARED TO DEATH,, I had NEVER lived on my own,, was only working a mere 8 days for that month,, I would need a full time job,, I would NOT have that person behind my back to pick up where I FUCKED UP,,it was going to really MATTER WHAT I DID in my life,,, I would have no one to bounce stupid shit in my head off to,, I would be that one thing I ALWAYS FEARED,,,ALONE ALL ALONE,,, it was fish or cut bait for me,, shit or get off the pot,,suck it up and deal,,,stand on your own two feet,,,sink or swim... it was all that and more... HOW WOULD I DO IT? HOW HARD WOULD I FALL ON MY FACE? HOW BIG OF A FAILURE WOULD THE WORLD SEE ME AS,, WHAT ABOUT MY GIRLS? IT WAS TIME TO LIVE THE THINGS I HAD TOLD BUT NEVER TAUGHT THEM ALL,,, INDEPENDANCE,,,NEVER COUNT ON A MAN TO TAKE CARE OF YOU,,, STAND ON YOUR OWN TWO FEET...BE ALL YOU CAN BE IN THIS WORLD AND TAKE IT BY STORM! ALL of the things I felt I NEVER was able to do myself.... And they ARE ALL OF MY GIRLS are strong women,,, I am very proud of them all,, I was scared to death I doubted myself at every turn.. I could NOT just sit and crash and burn,,, it was time to WALK THE WALK,, TALK THE TALK,,, BE WHO I ALWAYS TOLD THEM TO BE,,,, I have also always been the type of person if you back me into a corner I am coming out fighting,, I will NOT go down with the ship! Throw me in a pile of shit I WILL FIND THE ROSE! I DID have that in me. He told me " I know you will be fine,, you can take care of yourself,, I know you are strong" BUT I DID NOT KNOW THAT FOR MYSELF.

So for 4 months after that,, we just went on with our lives,, started paperwork,, figured out what was the best way out of the mess we had made,, we seemed to get along and we talked way more and were ADULTS in the same house,, I no longer felt I was one of the kids. it was odd to say the least.. we did not even understand it BUT the word "EXPECTATIONS" came up there no longer were any for either of us.. It was like we could relax. It felt like the PRESSURE of what THE WORLD EXPECTED FROM US WAS GONE,, what each of us had for the other was no longer there,,,, the tension was almost gone. It seemed that we could BOTH relax. I, THANK GOD was able to buy my house outright,, my biggest fear was to end up homeless due to not being able to pay rent or a mortgage plus bills if I got sick. So in March I moved into my house ALL ALONE TOTALY ALONE my biggest fear had come to sit beside me,,, YEP I WAS ALL ALONE IN THE WORLD! My girls did NOT come to my house Sandy found excuses why she needed to stay at her fathers,,, I tried to make my house what I thought everyone else would like,, NOBODY CAME,, I was working afternoons so life was keeping me busy for the most part. When I had a day off I would beg my girls to come over,,, they did not,, I would spend my days off in bed,, crying,, scared,, ALONE. I HATE ALONE!

TIME changes people,, time changes "things". Although Amy will still not talk to me, and she has not been to my house,, the others come around,SOME, Fawn now lives here with me,, Amanda is in collage and working, still living at her dad's.. Sandy is a Sr. in high school and works,,, It saddens me to see how Sandy has pretty much turned inside herself,, she does not come here still. And seems to not have a whole lot to do with her father either,, THAT HURTS ME,, I can NOT drag her here to be in my life I can only keep trying to pick at her to stay in hers. I do not agree with some things that happen at his house as far as she goes,, BUT I also know I can not control any of it either.

The divorce was final in April,,, I at one point when seeing him asked him "well are you happy?" he said "I hear from my support groups, it will take time"

TODAY he does NOT look very happy,, BUT I have nothing to do with that... it is HIS LIFE,, I hope he can find what he was looking for in the end. I do not wish him any harm,, I do not hate him,, YET I do not have any emotions towards him other then he is the father of my children.

TODAY,, I am a pretty happy person.. I like being ALONE at times.. it is nice to have someone around to talk to,, I call all the shots in my own home,,, I do not have to answer to anyone as to where when why I do ANYTHING. AND TODAY although I will not go into much of it,, I have found that there is WAY MORE to ME then I ever thought could be. I AM AN ADULT,,, living my life for ME. Although I planned to join the MAN HATTERS CLUB. I changed my mind... I fought as hard as anyone could I think,,, 6 months hard! turning down all advances,,, fighting all those feelings. YET taking inventory of a person and telling myself YES those are the qualities I have desired,, YES ONLY IF,,,, ONE DAY I will find SOMEONE LIKE that person,,,, he makes me laugh,,he is companionate,,he is crazy,,he is sweet,, he is beautiful,,he is attractive to me,,he is strong,,he has my back at the drop of a hat,,he finds in me things i never knew were there,,he shares his day with me,,he talks to me,,he takes me places,,he tells me I am beautiful,,he holds me tight,,YET he does NOT have the need to overtake who I am or change who I am,, he respects me for the person I am, he makes me feel like I am a woman who has a clue about life,,He makes me FEEL special,feel LOVED,feel important to him. He has repaired my broken heart,, I KNOW NOW that those movies DO HAVE SOME REAL LIFE IN THEM..I can FEEL those feelings I use to dream of that for so long I thought were NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN IN MY LIFETIME... IS THIS FOR FOREVER?,, COULD IT BE FOREVER?,,,,I DO NOT STRIVE FOR FOREVER, I AM NOT SURE THERE IS A FOREVER, I LIVE FOR TODAY,,RIGHT NOW,,,I NO LONGER WORRY ABOUT THE WORLD AND WHAT THEY MIGHT THINK,,,I NO LONGER WORRY ABOUT TOMORROW because tomorrow could change my world again ,, I SURVIVED IT ONCE AND COULD AGAIN.... FOR TODAY I AM ENJOYING WHAT I TRULY BELIEVE, GOD HAS PUT IN MY LIFE,, I will live it to the fullest EVERYDAY.